Funny(39)

"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant."
Ellen DeGeneres

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is."
Ellen DeGeneres

"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."
Albert Einstein

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
Albert Einstein

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally."
W. C. Fields

"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
W. C. Fields

"He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house."
Zsa Zsa Gabor

"I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead."
Samuel Goldwyn

"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live."
Bob Hope

"You're only has good as your last haircut."
Fran Lebowitz