Funny(39)

"Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day."
Jay Leno

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."
Groucho Marx

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
Groucho Marx

"I rant, therefore I am."
Dennis Miller

"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."
Spike Milligan

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
Emo Philips

"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name."
Paula Poundstone

"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."
Joan Rivers

"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."
Rita Rudner

"There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them."
Casey Stengel